Words Once Spoken
by pencilorsword
Summary: A closer look at Sirius's conversation with Harry in the Order of the Phoenix. What if these words had been said before?


_**So...hi there! This is my first fanfiction. Not sure where this came from, but it's been stuck in my head. Let me know what you think! :)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. There are a few direct quotes from the movies/books in here, they aren't mine either.**_

The lump under the sheets had not moved for days. The lump was depressed, as one would expect it to be after leaving its only family. But, nonetheless, James was getting worried.

"Sirius…" James shook the lump gently. "Sirius, you have to get up eventually."

The lump-Sirius, that is- only pulled the blankets tighter around himself.

"Pads, come on, at least eat something. Mum made chicken."

A grunt, and the lump was still.

"Sirius, if you don't come out and talk to me I'll go get Moony. He'll make you talk."

There was a tense silence as Sirius considered this. After a moment, and an overly dramatic moan, the lump rose, and a disheveled Sirius Black appeared.

His normally pristine hair was in disarray, his eyes bloodshot, and his cheeks tearstained. He shot James his famous 'go-away-or-I'll-hex-you' glare, but his heart wasn't in it, and he flopped back down on the bed.

"Oh no you don't" James snatched the blanket away before Sirius could disappear into a lump once more. "Pads, come on, talk to me."

Sirius Black had shown up on James Potter's doorstep three days ago. It had been storming, and he was soaked. He hadn't said a word, but the defeated look in his eyes and the bruise on his cheek told James all he needed to know. Him and his mother got Sirius patched up and dried off, and sent him to bed. Problem was, he hadn't left his bed since.

Sirius stared down his best friend. _Maybe if I just ignore him, he'll go away._ He knew this wouldn't work, but he couldn't think of anything else.

"Sirius, enough. Talk."

 _Shit._ James knew he was stalling. Three days he's been able to put this off. But now, sitting next to his best friend, his _brother_ in everything but blood, he felt the words building up in his chest, no longer able to stay hidden.

"I… I'm just like them."

James just stared at Sirius. _What_ _is he talking about?_

Sirius, mistaking James's silence as understanding, went on.

"We were… They wanted me to join the… the death eaters." Sirius took a breath, collected his thoughts, then went on. "They wanted me to join and I said 'no'. I said 'no' and they started yelling and cursing saying these… these awful things. About you and about Lily and about Remus. Merlin, _Remus._ And I couldn't take it anymore."

By this point, Sirius was staring at the wall, unable to look James in the eye. James could see Sirius's eyes shining, but said nothing.

"I couldn't take it. They were screaming at me and I screamed right back. They swung first, but I swung _harder_. I went after everything they have, everything they are. I wanted them to feel how I felt. I wanted them to regret it. I wanted to…"

The tears were flowing down Sirius's face, and he clenched his jaw against it. James couldn't stand to see him so upset, and laid his hand on Sirius's arm.

Sirius jumped, having been shocked out of his state. His eyes lost some of the far away look, lost the anger, and when he turned them on James, they held only fear.

"James… what if I'm like them now? What if… What if, after living there for so long, I've… gone bad? What if…" _What if I truly am a Black?_

James, deciding enough was enough, grabbed Sirius's shoulders, turning him so they were facing each other fully.

"Sirius, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? _You're not a bad person._ You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and death eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on." James took a hand off Sirius's shoulder and placed it over his heart. "That's who we really are."

And here he was, twenty years later, looking at the spitting image of his best friend, just as torn up as he was then.

"And what if… after everything that I've been through, something's gone wrong, inside me… What if I'm becoming bad?"

 _What if I've gone bad?_

And even though he looks just like James, he acts just like Sirius. Harry stared up at him, watching him like the fate of the world rested on Sirius's words. What Harry need right now was his father.

So that's exactly what Sirius gave him.

He grabbed Harry's shoulders, and leaned down until they were facing each other.

"Harry, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?"

Sirius remembered these words, replayed them to himself everyday in the months after leaving home, when he thought he could feel himself slipping.

" _You're not a bad person."_

He repeated them to himself everyday in Azkaban, where he thought he could hear James blaming him, where he started to blame himself.

"You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to."

He wrote these words on his arm, on the days where everything was too much, and he needed something to focus on.

"Besides, the world isn't split into good people and death eaters."

Sirius chanted these words in his mind as he watched his baby brother fall too far with the wrong crowd.

"We've all got both light and dark inside us."

He survived because of these words, held onto them like an anchor.

"What matters is the part we choose to act on."

Sirius took a hand off Harry's shoulder, and placed it over his heart.

"That's who we really are."

Harry looked up at him again, this time his face shining with fresh tears. Sirius pulled him into a hug, and tightened his grip as he felt Harry cling to him.

 _Whatever it takes_ , Sirius thought to himself, _I will protect him._

Sirius looked back up at James, and flung himself at him. He clung to James, grateful for his friend, his _brother,_ as he sobbed into his shirt.

James only held him tighter, his face set with a determined look.

 _Whatever it takes,_ James thought to himself, _I will protect him._


End file.
